Happy 14th birthday to the boy who now looks me in the eye at 5’9. I feel like I always say the same things about him but he is genuinely just the kindest, most loving, team player, hard-working, smartest, and funniest kind of kid. I had a few tears tonight watching him read his birthday cards out loud with that deep voice that still catches me off guard and reminds me that he’s more of a man now than my little boy.
It’s the strangest thing to look at your child and realize that your role in their life is so drastically different than it was when they were little. He still needs me, but in such a different way. We talk about sports, his friends, math class, and how to be a good person. I look forward to our nightly check-in before I head off to bed. I ask him every night if there’s anything I can do to help him. The answer is usually no, but I secretly live for the nights he asks me to wash a certain hoodie sweatshirt he forgot to do with his laundry or to go over a tough math problem together. It’s great when your kids are independent, but it always feels good to be needed.
14 is awesome and hard. He’s doing so many cool activities, has big thoughts on the world, a great sense of humor, and is just a cool person to spend time with. I can’t help but count how few years we have left with him at home though. How does any parent ever get right with their babies growing up? It breaks my heart all the time when I become aware that he’s starting high school soon and that the time is just slipping away. I think somehow the excitement for all he will do and experience over the next few years will help to balance the sadness that comes with missing the little guy he once was. Today I’m just thankful to be his mom and for a few more years to keep him in the nest.
It’s National Rainbow Baby Day. It’s a day to celebrate the babies that came after the storm. We have three in our family. Three boys that came after three went to Heaven.
In the summer of 2010 we said goodbye to our triplet sons. We had our beautiful 2-year-old son, and tried to deal with the news that he would most likely be our one and only. But our story didn’t end there. Through the power of prayer and medical intervention I was holding a beautiful baby boy again in the summer of 2012. I looked into his eyes and felt pure joy and unimaginable pain in the same moment. I have grieved that moment over and over for the last eleven years.
I never want Gavin to feel that I experienced anything but pure love and thankfulness for his life. But it was so complicated for me. Welcoming him was a kind of hard I never expected. I knew I was suppose to be so happy to have him in my arms, but the grief knocked the breath right out of me.
I missed the three babies that came before him. He was beautiful and amazing, but there I was sobbing and hurting so very much.
I haven’t shared much about the weeks following his birth, but I can admit now that I shut down. I sobbed while I nursed him, I cried alone in my closet, and I sat on the edge of the bed at night wondering what was wrong with me. Wasn’t this exactly what I had prayed for every single day since the boys passed away? I was given the chance to carry a baby and to hear his cries at birth instead of deafening silence. I had been given a rainbow baby and everyone said that was going to be magical. Instead I was depressed, anxious, and felt disconnected from my sweet baby.
Having a rainbow baby isn’t, well, sunshine and rainbows at all. It’s more like a tornado that brings every emotion at the same time. I realized in the weeks that followed Gavin’s birth that I was almost paralyzed with the fear that I would lose him too and that was what was causing so much of the emotional turmoil I was feeling.
I realized I was living in a different world than most people I know. In my world sometimes a mother’s love isn’t enough. In my world, babies don’t always come home from the hospital. In my world sometimes grief sneaks into the most beautiful moments.
When I realized it was normal to experience the grief alongside the joy, everything changed. I could honor our loss without taking anything away from the deep love and joy I was feeling for my beautiful, new son.
In the summer 2015 we welcomed another rainbow baby and I was better prepared. Pregnancy and birth still brought the big feelings, but I was in a place where I better understood what it meant to be parenting after loss.
In the summer of 2018 we once again welcomed a healthy baby boy into our family. This time through adoption. It was July 25th, the exact day that we welcomed our first rainbow baby six years earlier. Our double rainbow day. That first rainbow baby moment back in 2012 had come full circle. I was in an entirely different place and was no longer battling the delicate balance of our loss. I was confident in the way I was parenting our boys and actually thankful for the perspective our loss has provided. I truly appreciate so many seemingly insignificant moments with my children because I will never get to experience them with three of my boys.
I love that parents like myself can celebrate our rainbow babies, but I feel it’s important to share about the tougher parts of falling into this category of parenthood too. It’s okay to remember the ones we lost and celebrate the ones we hold at the same time.
I will forever be Mom to seven. Four in my arms and three in Heaven.
Birthday week is one of our family’s favorite times of the year. Three of our boys and my husband all have birthdays during the last week of July. Two of our boys even share the exact same birthday! I love birthdays so much, so by the end of the week I’m usually completely exhausted from trying to make sure all four of my guys feel extra special with little surprises here and there. It’s always totally worth it to see how excited and loved they feel.
Every year I try to come up with new, fun ways to make birthday week exciting for the whole family. This year I found the coolest way to celebrate, and it was so easy! I contacted Pinnacle Pop Up Cards about doing a yard sign for the boys and it was a HUGE hit! We woke up on the day of the double birthday and the most perfect display was waiting in the front yard. The boys were over the moon excited to know that the whole neighborhood knew it was their special day. They couldn’t believe that they got a “giant birthday card.” My husband loved it too and we had a great time taking pictures of our four birthday boys with their special yard greeting.
Of course I have seen other people celebrate with yard signs, but I had no idea how much fun it would be. Hannah, the owner of Pinnacle Pop Up Cards, was amazing to work with. I have no idea how she picked out such perfect pieces to add to our display, but each of the boys were represented well by the decorations she put together.
Hannah has been in Northwest Arkansas for 10 years. During the pandemic she heard about yard display businesses and thought it would be a great way to express herself creatively but also safely during a pandemic. Her favorite part is being able to truly customize setups for clients to give them exactly what they want. Pinnacle Pop Up Cards can do birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers, events, and whatever other special occasions you might have.
Pinnacle Pop Up Cards is an affordable option for anyone wanting a way to celebrate big without breaking the bank. I loved the fact that I didn’t have to do a thing. Hannah came up with the great design, and set it all up. We enjoyed the display for a day and then she came back and took it all down. So easy for such a cool way to celebrate!
You can do any sort of personal message you’d like to order, and they just added an inflatable you can reserve as well. What a great way to add some extra fun to your celebration. No matter what you are celebrating you can be sure that Hannah will help you bring a little extra joy and a bunch of big smiles to the special day!
You can check Pinnacle Pop Up Cards on Facebook or Instagram or head over to their website at www.pinnaclepopupcardsnwa.com to get more information or book right now. Happy celebrating!
This is a sponsored post. My review reflects my honest opinion after using the service provided by this business.
Let’s be honest, raising kids is amazing, but there are times it feels like you’ve been hit by a train. I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately navigating four kids, and balancing their needs from toddler to teenager. So when I was literally hit by a train yesterday I wasn’t too surprised. In an instant it drove up my hair and wound it tightly into the wheels. As I sat for 30 minutes waiting for my hubby to get home so he could take the train apart to release my hair, I was able to see the humor in the situation. I’d been praying for clarity and peace with some tough parenting decisions this week. I have been stressed and anxious, sleeping poorly, and just more grumpy than I’d like to be. The train was kind of like God was answering by showing me that even when the random, tough moments happen there is always a choice to laugh and smile through it. We can dwell on the tough parts of parenthood (and life in general) or we can embrace them and seek out the joy in the chaos. The pain and trials are short-lived and I’m reminded once again that there is always something beautiful to be found in the messy parts of life.
I’m a couple of years into my journey with four kids. Four boys to be exact. Most people instantly want to “bless my heart” when they realize my husband and I are raising an above average number of kids. Some days are really tough, and I collapse into bed wondering how I managed to keep them all fed and safe. But I’ve also learned there are some pretty great things about having four kids too.
The kids always have three other people to play with. My kids range from 13 years-old to two years-old, and I love watching how they spend time with each of their siblings doing different activities. There is no need to stress about scheduling play dates either. They are getting all the social skills practice they need right at home.
The buddy system. Having an even number of children means that everyone has a partner to hold hands with as we cross the parking lot. As they get older, everyone has a built in roller-coaster riding partner, or someone to play catch with.
They are learning independence more quickly. Let’s face it, I just can’t do as much for my kids now that I have four. I remember waiting on my oldest hand and foot. I wanted everything to be perfect for him. I still want everything to be great for them, but they know how to help themselves. Dressing themselves, packing their things, and being responsible for checking their backpacks for homework is helping them to be more responsible. A lesson that will serve them well as they grow up.
I actually spend less time preparing things. When I had one or two kids I had way more time to stress about the details. I packed and re-packed the diaper bag before we left. Now I know that taking the basics is good enough. Being flexible is key. I know that things might not go according to plan, and that’s okay.
They have a built in lifetime support system. Who doesn’t want three super-fans cheering you on as you step up to bat at your baseball game? When the baby reaches a new milestone, one of the big kids makes an awesome shot at the basketball goal in the driveway, or someone rides their bike for the first time without training wheels, the volume of the cheers and excitement that erupts is pretty much priceless. Long after my husband and I are gone, our children will have a team of people surrounding them who have experienced alongside and supported them through all of life’s challenges and victories.
The list of awesome things about having four kids could go on and on. It’s a crazy life filled with trimming 40 fingernails at a time, washing a minimum of 28 outfits a week, and making sure four sets of teeth are brushed 120 times a month…but it’s a life we wouldn’t trade for anything.
Parents of four kids…what do you love about having four?
In 2017 I decided I wanted to join a gym because I needed to start focusing on my health. I realized that if I was going to be able to be the best for my kids, I needed to put myself first. At the time I had three young children (our crew has now grown by one more) and thinking of arranging childcare so I could workout regularly seemed impossible. With two full-time working parents, lots of evening activities for the boys, and all the work that happens after bedtime to get ready for the next day I didn’t know how I could juggle anything else.
I visited several gyms to see what my options might be. Some had classes I was interested in, but no childcare was offered. Some had childcare but wanted a significant extra fee for the service. A couple gyms just didn’t seem to have a great set-up to provide a safe and structured environment that would give me peace of mind while I worked out.
That’s when I came across Burn Boot Camp Bentonville. Of course I loved the workouts, having a personal trainer in a group setting, and the flexibility of the class schedules, but if I’m being honest what made me join as a member was the way my children are cared for at Burn. I’ve never felt guilty or worried about them when I drop them off at the child watch room to focus on myself for 45 minutes a day. Not only are they safe and happy in the childwatch room, but they are truly made to feel like they are a part of the Burn family. It’s not just my gym, but our family’s gym.
My boys enjoying a holiday event for Burn members and their families.
There are always fun events for the kids to look forward to. Whether it’s a family Christmas celebration, the yearly anniversary party, or just a fun themed-craft to do for a holiday, the kids are always included in the gym community. Burn even offers kids camps occasionally so the little ones can get on the floating floor and show the grown-ups how strong and fast they are too.
The kids love to get on the floating floor and workout with the trainers too.
Four years later and my kids are still happy to hop in the car and head to “our” gym every single time. Childwatch is included in my membership fee each month. I can take one of my kids or all four and never pay an extra charge. Burn has done a great job with the children during Covid as well. They limit the number of kids who can be in the childwatch room and follow all safety and sanitization protocols.
Childwatch room at Burn Boot Camp Bentonville
All members of the family can truly find a home at Burn Boot Camp. On any given day you will find people working out alongside their husbands, daughters, and mothers. You’ll find newborns to pre-teens enjoying the childwatch room and being a part of their parent’s health journey.
The community at Burn Boot Camp Bentonville is full of people from all different stages of life. You certainly don’t have to be a parent to fall in love with Burn, but if you are you will find a place that you feel supported and understood as a busy Mom or Dad who is balancing family and fitness.
Visit burnbootcamp.com today to sign-up for a free 7-day trial at Burn Boot Camp Bentonville or another location near you.
This is a sponsored post, but reflects my honest feelings about Burn Boot Camp after three years as a proud member.
It wasn’t always like this. There was a time when four little boys didn’t fill our house with noise and laughter. There was a time when the silence was deafening, a time when the worry of never having children sat like a dark cloud overhead. There was a time when we had finally given life to a child, but couldn’t give him a sibling. Then came a time when three little miracles grew inside my womb together, but came far too soon and slipped away. There was a time when one was going to have to be ‘good enough’ because trying for more might not be safe. There was a time before two little brothers came along after years of seeing only one pink line on the stick while trying for each of them. A time before another woman gave birth to our last baby. Those times were grueling. They were filled with defeat, dread, and the kind of heartache that changes you. I turn away from the hurt and sadness we once knew, but it will always be a part of us.
In April of 2008 I looked into his eyes and I knew I had been right all along. I was put on this Earth to be a mommy. Our son, Josey, was a beautiful, healthy baby that had been carefully placed into our lives. My husband, Mike, and I married at 18 years old and although I had my ‘I need a baby’ moments, we waited to begin trying until almost 4 years later, after I graduated college and landed my first teaching job. Struggling for years to get pregnant caught us by surprise. By the grace of God and a little medical intervention, we welcomed our first son into our family.
Around the time of Josey’s first birthday, we decided we wanted to try for another baby. Our plan was always to have more than one child. Once again, my body just couldn’t do what I wanted most. The process was even more difficult and heartbreaking this time, but we finally found ourselves expecting once again.
In June of 2010, at eleven weeks pregnant, we had an appointment to have our first ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy was going well. When the doctor started the ultrasound, I instantly knew I saw more than one baby on the giant flat-screen. As I tried to speak, nothing came out. Finally, I said, “Is there more than one?” The doctor looked up and said, “Yes, It’s TRIPLETS.” I cannot describe the thoughts and feelings I was flooded with at that moment. My mind was racing. I reached for my husband’s hand and he just held on as we waited to see if we had three viable babies. We returned for another ultrasound a few weeks later. We saw three healthy and active babies safe inside. To say we were relieved was an understatement.
The very next day at 8:39 a.m., our second-born son, Johnny, was born at home. As I write this a decade later, it still doesn’t seem real. I woke up with some discomfort at 15 weeks along with our precious triplets. I called the doctor’s office and waited for a callback. I delivered Johnny at home about 30 minutes later. We were transported by ambulance to the hospital. I cannot describe the fear I felt as I rode in the ambulance, thinking I was losing all of my babies. In the ER, the doctor did an ultrasound and found two heartbeats safe inside. My cervix had suddenly dilated, causing me to lose Johnny. To this day, I do not know why that happened. Mike and I chose to hold our sweet little boy and I spent about 30 minutes with him in my arms. We are both so glad we chose to do that. He was tiny but beautifully made. Letting go of Johnny was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Each day that followed was spent waiting for an ultrasound to see if the other two babies were still okay. I had to have a cerclage to ensure my cervix would not spontaneously open again. Unfortunately, the placenta never delivered with the baby. I was pumped full of antibiotics to prevent infection and placed on bed rest indefinitely. My grief was overwhelming, but I tried with all my heart to be strong for my two unborn babies.
16 days after delivering Johnny, I woke up cramping. I told myself all day the worst was not happening. At 1:30 the next morning, I accepted that it was. Mike drove me to the hospital, both of us begging God for it to be something else. My contractions were less than a minute apart for over two hours. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. My cervix had been sewn shut and was trying to open to let the babies come out. We were told the stitches had to be removed, but that doing so would most certainly cause us to lose both babies. About that time, Jaxsen decided he couldn’t wait, and he was born. Nothing could stop him, not even ‘unbreakable’ stitches. I was in and out of awareness for a while but still in extreme pain. I was moved to the operating room and our doctor came in to deliver the third baby and get my bleeding under control. The last thing I heard was, because the cervix ripped and they did not know the extent of the damage, I might have to have a complete hysterectomy. It was terrifying. Thankfully they were able to deliver our fourth-born son, Asher, and save my fertility. We were able to spend about an hour holding the babies after I recovered. They were perfect, sleeping angels.
Our biggest fear had become reality. I had developed a uterine infection that made it impossible for the babies to stay inside any longer. The infection moved into my blood system and caused me to become quite sick. We left the hospital 5 days later with nothing more than three little memory boxes. I did not know how I would continue to breathe except for the fact there was a little boy at home waiting for his mommy to return.
The emptiness that surrounded us after our loss was almost unbearable. I can’t put into words what it was like to picture and plan for a house full of children only to have that dream vanish entirely. Our house was supposed to be noisy, busy, and full of children’s laughter. Instead, we clung desperately to our then two-year-old and mourned the loss of a life we might never have.
Two years later, after medical treatments, surgical procedures, and more prayers than I thought possible, we welcomed our rainbow baby. When Gavin let out a big cry and was placed in my arms in 2012, I exhaled for what felt like the first time in nine months. My body hadn’t failed me that time, and we left the hospital with a healthy baby boy. Three years and four days later, we welcomed our second rainbow baby after enduring the same process once more. Parker Jack came into our lives and made us the proud parents of three boys in our arms and three in Heaven.
Flash forward to the spring of 2018. I turned 35 in March… an age I set for us to be done having children. Our oldest child turned 10 and it seemed like the baby stage of our life was naturally ending. I would be lying if I said I didn’t wonder if we were really done. I started imagining getting pregnant again. “Should we try just one more time? Is it too dangerous?” My medical condition makes each additional pregnancy a little riskier, and we have no way of knowing if I would be able to carry another baby successfully. I started praying for a sign. A clear answer. And boy did I get one.
In mid-April, the night before our oldest turned 10, I was informed of a birth-mother who was set on adoption and wanted her baby to go to a family with children. She was looking for an experienced couple who could give her child a life she never had. Someone who knew our hearts for adoption suggested we meet her. I thought of how, in the early days after our loss, we began talking about adoption. It was placed on both of our hearts and really never left our thoughts. Over the years, we had both mentioned it at times. We never had the chance to give our triplets the beautiful life they deserved. The thought of being able to do just that for a child in need of a forever family kept our hearts open to the idea.
Adoption doesn’t just happen though. People wait years and spend tens of thousands of dollars on agency adoptions to connect with a birth-mother. I just couldn’t imagine this would happen for us. We had not been planning or saving for adoption at all. Was it even possible to adopt with the impending due date only 12 weeks away? I had no idea where to begin, but somewhere deep down inside, I just couldn’t shake the idea. We talked through the financial side, the impact this would have on our boys, and all the details we could think of. We ultimately decided to take a huge leap of faith and see where the journey took us. Soon after that, we found out the baby’s due date was July 20th, the day we lost the first of our babies. I remember laughing as I thought, ‘Okay, God, I hear you loud and clear.’ This was the journey our family was meant to be on. If there is one thing that is for certain, it is our life together has never played out the way we have expected. We’ve been thrown so many curve balls while building our family, we know better than to assume we know what is around the corner. So we took a shaky step toward pursuing adoption. Then we took another. And another.
I always say our love for our children is so big because it has to reach all the way to Heaven. We knew we could give this child a life full of snuggles, kisses, silly jokes, big brothers with hearts the size of Texas, and a Mommy and Daddy who love with a fierceness not easily put into words. We could give this child the life his biological mom dreamed of for her baby.
Doors continued to open and in three weeks, we were sitting in front of an amazing young girl, who after an hour of talking with her, chose us to parent her child. The paperwork, doctor’s visits, home study preparations, home study visits, and planning kept us moving at a whirlwind pace. We found out the baby was a boy a few weeks before he arrived. We were so happy… and not surprised at all. Parenting boys is kind of our thing.
On July 25th, what we now lovingly refer to as our Double Rainbow Day, our seventh son was born on his big brother’s birthday. Six years to the day after welcoming our first rainbow baby, our family welcomed another reminder of the beauty that can come after a storm. When Mike and I met him, he was snuggled tightly in his birth mother’s arms. With a smile on her face, this sweet, young girl placed her baby in my trembling arms. I don’t know if words could ever do justice to that moment. My heart shattered and rejoiced at the same time. I wanted this baby so much. Mike and I had planned and prayed and loved this boy for only a few weeks, but he was ours in every sense of the word.
Eight days after his birth, we sat before a judge and vowed to love and care for Jensen always. A chapter in our family’s story that started a mere 12 weeks earlier drew to a close as we walked out of the judge’s chambers as the proud parents of seven boys. Three of our boys have brought love and joy to our lives over the last twelve years. Three of them changed the entire course of our lives when they went to Heaven. They constantly push us to be the best parents we can be. And one tiny little baby came into our lives when we least expected it and showed us the true meaning of sacrifice, hope, and family. We finally have the crazy, chaotic, beautiful, full life we have dreamed of for so long.
Lazer Lee Photography
When you see our family now, I hope you see the joy and beauty that came out of our battle. I hope you see how we made peace with the cards we were dealt, and how we made our own path. Most importantly I hope you see hope. After all, it’s the thing that got us to this place.
We went to the park. It’s cold and drizzly and I’m exhausted, but we went anyway. Today didn’t start out very great. The perfect balance and preparedness it takes to get us to work and four kids to school with everything they need proved to be unattainable today. The wheels fell off the whole operation before 7:30 am.
I got to work frustrated and feeling a little defeated. Then this afternoon I met an older Mom in the Aldi parking lot, who after apologizing to me for parking too close as I tried to squish myself into my car, shared that she was distracted because she was having a tough day in motherhood herself. Her daughters are in college and she was dealing with stress, disappointment, and worry about something that happened with them.
I have no idea why she sat there talking to a total stranger except that I offered a smile and a “no problem” when she apologized. I’m so glad she did though. She helped me remember that this crazy stage ranging from daycare to junior high that we’re living in won’t last forever. Soon enough my four will be grown and I’ll be dealing with a whole different set of motherhood challenges. So we went to the park and I watched them laugh and play, and none of the hard parts of today mattered anymore.
I’ve been so consumed with the stress of being stuck in the house with four bored kids for a week straight, the worry of possible frozen pipes and power outages, and trying to keep the kids learning and myself working that I almost missed something so important.
Friends, we have been given direct instructions from the powers that be to NOT do any laundry. Not only should we not do it, but it’s the best way we can help ensure that our communities do not lose power from an overloaded system in this crazy winter storm. So today there will be no shame when you walk by the baskets spilling laundry onto the floor, no fussing at your teenagers to wash their smelly clothes, and no feeling like you should be getting caught up on laundry instead of relaxing on the couch.
In this not-so-much-better-than-2020 year we’re living in where we’ve been introduced to another thing to hate with “forced rolling blackouts” we are going to embrace this freeing gift we have received and let that laundry sit as we proudly celebrate the way we are doing our part for one another.
Disclaimer: if you live somewhere that hasn’t been affected by this snowpocalypse I’m pretty sure you are still entitled to this laundry-free time because surely your support of our cause is essential.
Every year at Christmas time I get the urge to go through the kids’ playroom and get rid of some of the toys they never touch. There are more toys than the four of them could ever reasonably play with. While I’m thankful that we were able to buy them things, and they received cool toys from friends and family for birthdays, sometimes the sheer amount of toys in overwhelming. I like everything to have a place, so even though I hate getting rid of things they might play with one day, donating or reselling things at the holidays is a great way to feel okay about adding some new toys.
When I was looking through toys this year, I thought about the toys that get tons of use in our house and make great gifts for kids. I thought I’d share which toys, at least for our kids, are favorites and have been awesome over the years. We do have all boys, but most of these toys are great for any kid. Hope this helps if you are looking for some great toys to gift the kiddos in your life this year!
The best investment. Our big kids even love to jump on a ride-on toy and race the littles around the house. So many laughs well beyond the toddler years.
I’ll be sure to add to this list as I think of more, but that’s a good start. I hope your kiddos will find the same amount of fun that our boys did with these toys.
