Tomorrow I will head back to work after five long months staying home with the boys. Even with the uncertainty and worry of going back to school, sending the boys to on-site school, and the baby starting daycare for the first time ever, I have felt ready. Ready to get back to being “me.” The mom of four who also works full-time. The woman who leads a building full of teachers to improve math instruction for all students. To get back to a job that I love.
So this morning took me by surprise. I have shed more than a few tears after dropping the oldest off at football practice and sitting down for one more slow morning of snuggling and watching tv with the little guys. I didn’t expect to feel so emotional thinking back over the last five months. I didn’t expect to feel so nervous to get back out into the world, but it’s all hitting me today. I have been hesitant to weigh-in on the virtual school vs. on-site school options because everyone has their own unique situation to consider. My kids are going to school because that’s where I will be. It’s also where I want them to be. Where my boys thrive and grow best. But am I nervous they’ll get sick? Yes. Am I nervous we won’t even make it a week before we are back to virtual school? Also yes. But that’s not why my heart is aching this morning.
I have done my fair share of complaining, yelling, and crying over the last few months. Staying home with four little boys from ages 1-12 wasn’t easy for this mom. Most days from March to May, I loathed virtual schooling and longed to go back to school/work. I struggled to get any work done in my job as math coach while helping the kids with their classwork, keeping the preschooler busy, and chasing an energetic and destructive one-year-old. I just wanted to be around adults and have grown-up conversations. I have worked outside the home since I was fourteen. I took short maternity leaves with each baby, but quickly returned to work because that’s who I am. I have never idealized the role of stay-at-home mom. I saw my mom do it with five kids, and I know it is insanely hard. Although my children are my world, staying home for two months in the summer is always great for me and I’m ready to go back to school each fall.
Then June and July came and went. Our days were less structured, but there were no waterparks to visit, no vacations to take and no fun adventures beyond the backyard and a few trails around town. With social distancing and keeping our family as safe as possible, it just wasn’t the summer I normally get to have with the kids. Fun summer off-work mom was more like same-old-mom who’s been on our backs for three months already. We did share some fun together, but the day in and day out of being home felt heavy most days.
So why am I sad, if we all so desperately want to get back to whatever “normal” looks like now? Because I just got to spend 5 months with my kids. Just being their mom and loving them the best way I know how. I didn’t have to entrust their care to someone else, I didn’t have to worry if they were safe or feeling okay. I didn’t have to rush home from work to scramble them from activity to activity. We baked cookies way too often, did fun home improvement projects, played in the sprinkler, and grew even closer as a family. I watched the boys pair off with different brothers depending on what their interest was that day. I got to sip my coffee while listening to their giggles and watching them show off their newest (wrestling/singing/dancing/ninja) skills. I was there to hug the four-year-old when it all felt like too much and the sadness of missing his friends at preschool was so heavy for him. I rubbed the seven-year-old’s back when the school writing assignment caused him to stress about spelling words correctly. I was there to see for myself every time the baby learned something new or said an adorable new phrase. And I was moved to tears more than once watching the twelve-year-old turn into such a grown person right in front of my eyes. He effortlessly helped me care for his little brothers, keep the house clean, and always knew when I just needed a break. He has always been a nurturer and my right hand man when Daddy isn’t here, but he grew into something much more the last few months. Despite the pre-teen moments (yes we had plenty of those too), I’m pretty sure he’s going to be a pretty good adult one day.
So today, I’m going to let the tears fall. They tell a story of the toughest, yet most rewarding parenting months of my life. Tomorrow I will put on a smile and excitedly look forward to working once again, but if you see a tear or two slide down onto my mask, just know I am a Mom who got a little too attached to staying home with her four amazing kids and needs a little time to get used to being “just Allison” for eight hours a day once again.