It’s National Rainbow Baby Day. It’s a day to celebrate the babies that came after the storm. We have three in our family. Three boys that came after three went to Heaven.
In the summer of 2010 we said goodbye to our triplet sons. We had our beautiful 2-year-old son, and tried to deal with the news that he would most likely be our one and only. But our story didn’t end there. Through the power of prayer and medical intervention I was holding a beautiful baby boy again in the summer of 2012. I looked into his eyes and felt pure joy and unimaginable pain in the same moment. I have grieved that moment over and over for the last eleven years.
I never want Gavin to feel that I experienced anything but pure love and thankfulness for his life. But it was so complicated for me. Welcoming him was a kind of hard I never expected. I knew I was suppose to be so happy to have him in my arms, but the grief knocked the breath right out of me.
I missed the three babies that came before him. He was beautiful and amazing, but there I was sobbing and hurting so very much.
I haven’t shared much about the weeks following his birth, but I can admit now that I shut down. I sobbed while I nursed him, I cried alone in my closet, and I sat on the edge of the bed at night wondering what was wrong with me. Wasn’t this exactly what I had prayed for every single day since the boys passed away? I was given the chance to carry a baby and to hear his cries at birth instead of deafening silence. I had been given a rainbow baby and everyone said that was going to be magical. Instead I was depressed, anxious, and felt disconnected from my sweet baby.
Having a rainbow baby isn’t, well, sunshine and rainbows at all. It’s more like a tornado that brings every emotion at the same time. I realized in the weeks that followed Gavin’s birth that I was almost paralyzed with the fear that I would lose him too and that was what was causing so much of the emotional turmoil I was feeling.
I realized I was living in a different world than most people I know. In my world sometimes a mother’s love isn’t enough. In my world, babies don’t always come home from the hospital. In my world sometimes grief sneaks into the most beautiful moments.
When I realized it was normal to experience the grief alongside the joy, everything changed. I could honor our loss without taking anything away from the deep love and joy I was feeling for my beautiful, new son.
In the summer 2015 we welcomed another rainbow baby and I was better prepared. Pregnancy and birth still brought the big feelings, but I was in a place where I better understood what it meant to be parenting after loss.
In the summer of 2018 we once again welcomed a healthy baby boy into our family. This time through adoption. It was July 25th, the exact day that we welcomed our first rainbow baby six years earlier. Our double rainbow day. That first rainbow baby moment back in 2012 had come full circle. I was in an entirely different place and was no longer battling the delicate balance of our loss. I was confident in the way I was parenting our boys and actually thankful for the perspective our loss has provided. I truly appreciate so many seemingly insignificant moments with my children because I will never get to experience them with three of my boys.
I love that parents like myself can celebrate our rainbow babies, but I feel it’s important to share about the tougher parts of falling into this category of parenthood too. It’s okay to remember the ones we lost and celebrate the ones we hold at the same time.
I will forever be Mom to seven. Four in my arms and three in Heaven.
