It was 6:27 am on a normal Wednesday morning. The kids were eating breakfast as I scrambled to fix my hair before we had to leave. My husband called for our four-year-old to head to the truck so they could make it to preschool drop-off on time. Because of preschool opening time and the time my husband has to be at work, they have to stay on a strict departure schedule each morning.
That’s when I saw it. The cute little paper bag with my son’s name on it and a note about bringing show and tell items. It sat empty on the kitchen counter. No objects of the designated color had been hunted down the night before and carefully placed into the bag so he could proudly reveal them that morning. I had three minutes to find something brown that would fit into the bag, and be fun for him to talk about with his classmates.
I can’t even remember what I haphazardly tossed into the bag that morning, but in that moment my heart just felt so heavy. In the grand scheme of things, one overlooked show and tell is meaningless, but that morning it felt like more. It felt like I had failed my child.
I try so hard to make sure everything is just right each night before I go to bed. With four kids, full-time jobs, and a household to manage, my husband and I have a lot to do after the kids are asleep every night. I move around the house for hours each night packing the diaper bag, doing laundry, checking backpacks, writing checks for lunch money, and signing reading logs. I try so hard to make sure I’m doing enough. I want my children to have everything they need to be successful, and I want them to look back fondly on the way I cared for them.
But the truth is, sometimes it is just too much.
I’ve learned over the last decade of parenting that I can’t be perfect. So why does it hurt so much when I feel like I fail? I know that with the weight I’m carrying as a mother, I’m bound to make mistakes here and there. My mind knows that it is impossible to be everything to everyone all the time.
But my heart. My heart wants my family to have the great mom that they deserve. The mom who bakes fresh cookies each week, who always has them to practice on time, and the mom who never yells at little people who aren’t getting in the car fast enough when we’re rushed.
It’s a constant battle trying to decide if I’m getting it right. I read articles telling me to “let the laundry wait, because babies don’t keep,” but there’s also the blog post saying “don’t feel guilty for cleaning the house instead of playing with your kids if it makes you a better mom.” How do I know that my enough is enough? What guarantee do I have the what I’m doing will bring my kids the happiness and success I so desperately wish for them?
Finding the balance in parenting is just hard. We all know there isn’t a rule book or instruction manual for this role. Somehow we have to just do our best, with our love for our children guiding the way, and hope that it is in fact enough. Maybe if I keep telling myself this one day it will stick.
Am I still going to rush around at the last minute to get one more thing for my son’s school project, so he doesn’t feel disappointed? Probably. Will I still stay up way past my bedtime just to make sure that someone’s favorite shirt gets into the dryer for tomorrow? More than likely.
But can I also give myself a little grace? You bet. The thing about parenting is that we try so hard to make our kids happy, but they don’t even notice half of what we are doing for them. What they do notice is that they are safe, loved, and protected. They know that we are in their corner, and will be by their side through the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs.
My son has long since forgotten about the boring brown toy in his bag that day, but he won’t soon forget my love for him or the smile on my face when he looks back and sees me rooting for him. Because that’s always where I’ll be for my kids. Just being me. Just the way I am. Imperfectly parenting to the best of my ability.
Some of them are filled with special baby outfits, hospital bracelets, favorite baby toys, and sweet cards from their baby showers.
One is bigger than the rest because it has a bigger job to do. It holds the special tokens of a birth mother’s love. A few outfits and a stuffed giraffe that a young girl bought for the baby she entrusted to us are tucked inside waiting until it’s time for them to help us tell our son a powerful story of sacrifice, hope, and indescribable love.
Two have outfits that once fit perfectly on tiny, less than half a pound baby boys. They include tiny teddy bears that were snuggled up in the arms of my angel babies when I softly sung my first and last song to them. They also hold the only pictures I will ever have of two of my boys. Arguably my most prized tangible possessions.
And the last box stands has nothing but a little blanket inside. No pictures of my second-born son, no baby clothes, no other sweet reminders of his short life. It’s just a placeholder for the memories that are stored away carefully in my mind.
The day he was born was different. The hospital staff assigned to my care didn’t know what I needed. They didn’t know how to handle his death combined with two babies still nestled in my womb. The nurses were scared of upsetting me further, so they didn’t dress him in a tiny layette like they did his brothers two weeks later. I first held him wrapped in a medical cloth, pulled from a shelf nearby.
The hospital staff hid me away on a floor away from labor and delivery so I wouldn’t hear the cries down the hall. They did the best they could with what they knew and understood about a woman who had just lost one of her children.
No one told me to take a picture of him. Oh, how I wish they would have. It’s like a sucker punch when I close my eyes, eight years later, and the image of his face isn’t as clear as it once was. I struggle to remember the weight of him in my hands as I held him close to my chest while begging God to give him another chance.
Eventually, they would bring a sweet little blanket to wrap him in, which gave me more comfort than they could have imagined. It is the only item I have to run my fingers over as I reminisce about that day.
Merely two weeks later I was once again saying goodbye. This time to two babies who fought so hard, but were no match for the cards we had been dealt. This time was different. The nurse taking care of me somehow knew what I would need for years to come. She gently bathed our babies, dressed them in tiny clothes donated by an amazing organization that focuses on pregnancy and infant loss, and brought us beautiful memory boxes for all three of our triplets. She apologized that she was not there to do the same two weeks before. The acts of kindness she gifted to us that day will never be forgotten. One woman changed the way that day will be remembered forever.
I will be the first to say that I didn’t even know what I needed when our first baby died. It’s only now that I look back and regret how his special day played out. There is no way I could have anticipated his death, or prepared myself for that loss. There isn’t a protocol for how to handle that devastating blow.
Society doesn’t embrace pregnancy and infant loss because it’s too painful to talk about or even think about too much. No one really knows how to react when it happens. Not the people going through it, not the friends, not the family, not even the medical staff. There just isn’t one right or wrong way to walk through a loss like that.
What is important is that you show up for the people who are saying goodbye to their child. Be the nurse that goes the extra mile to show genuine compassion. Be the friend that shows up to sit in silence by the bed and hold her hand. Be the co-worker who stocks up their pantry at home with food because grocery shopping is the last thing on their minds. Call across the country to set up a meal train for your friends as they leave the hospital broken and empty handed. Ask them if they want to talk about their sweet baby. Let them know you aren’t scared of the pain they are feeling.
You just might be the person who they remember years later as they think of the kindness that was woven into the most difficult time in their lives.
Like each box on my shelf, each child has a story to tell. Sometimes we get to watch that story play out in a lifetime of seemingly insignificant moments, and sometimes one significant moment has to last a lifetime.
Mother’s Day is coming up soon, and I can’t stop thinking about you. It is your first Mother’s Day as a mom after all. Nine months ago you brought a beautiful baby into this world. You held him tightly to your chest, told him how much you loved him, and placed him into my arms.
I literally have to catch my breath every time I think about that moment.
Your strength on that day, and every day since, amazes me to no end. I have no idea how you did what you did for our son. Everything in your body was saying to hold on to him and never let go, but somehow you were able to look into his future and know what he needed. You knew that the life he deserved and the life you could provide were two entirely different things.
Not many people know you are a mother. You so strongly, and bravely navigated the birth and adoption of your baby without many others knowing what you were going through. You look at precious pictures of your baby on your phone, but you do not get to share our son with the world in the same way that I do.
On Mother’s Day, no one will shower you with flowers or a handmade card proclaiming you as the best mom ever. You won’t have your baby to cradle in your arms and admire how he has your eyes and your sweet personality. Most people won’t remember that you need to be celebrated as a mother, but I will.
A mother puts her own wants and desires after those of her child. She thinks not of her happiness, but of what is best for her child. She worries about all the choices she has made, and wonders if they were best for her baby. A mother lays awake at night wondering if she is enough. She wonders if her child can forgive her for the mistakes she has made. Sometimes she wonders if her child knows how much she loves them.
You see, all of those things are what makes you a mother. The fact that you aren’t changing diapers, fixing bottles, or holding his hands as he takes his first steps, doesn’t make you any less of a mother to our son.
You gave him life, and then gave him a new one.
Your sacrifice and determination allows me to be the one that will get the Mother’s Day card this year. I will be the one collecting macaroni necklaces, flowers picked from among the weeds outside, and all the hugs and kisses year after year on Mother’s Day. But my motherhood does not diminish yours.
If I had it my way, I would shout your name from the rooftops for all to hear. I would tell them of a young woman who is the strongest kind of mother there is. I would remind them that the reason my son has a beautiful life is because you loved him enough to let him go.
So each Mother’s Day, when the emotions coming flooding into your heart, stop and remember one thing. Our family won’t just be celebrating me, we will be celebrating our son’s first mother too. Because you are a woman worthy of a thousand praises, and a lifetime of love and gratitude.
I’ve potty trained all three of my children in three days. Yes, seriously! If you are like me you’ve probably seen things about the 3-day potty training method online and wondered if it could possibly be true. That was me about 8 years ago.
My oldest son was turning two and I had heard all kinds of horror stories about potty training. With the way some moms talked about it, I was pretty sure it was going to be a horrible experience. I read various things online about 3-day potty training and jumped right in. Guess what? It worked! Three days later I was happily reporting a completely day and night potty trained child. I tweaked a few things, but followed the same 3-day format with kid #2 and got a great result again.
Enter child #3. My adorable, passionate, strong-willed little guy. I knew he was going to be tougher than the other two. So much that I waited about 4-5 months longer to potty train him. He is two years and seven months old. Spring break was this week, so I decided to once again block off three days and go for it. I am happy to report that we were once again 100% diaper-free in three days!
It goes without saying that all children are different and respond differently to potty training. My kids all have very different personalities and of course I monitored and adjusted the process for each of them. If you are ready to be completely rid of diapers and not drag out the potty training process for weeks (or months!) then keep reading.
What you will need:
3 Days with zero activities/meetings/to-dos
Underwear
Potty chair (we used one like this and recommend getting one with a detachable seat that you can place on your toilet when your child is ready. It is also a stepstool.)
Snacks
Paper to make a sticker chart
Stickers
Lots of patience and a good attitude
What you will NOT need:
Anywhere to be for 3 days!
Pull-ups
To start getting my kiddos used to the idea of using the potty, we started talking about it a couple months ahead of time. As soon as they start waking up dry, ask about going potty, or start showing any interest in toilet training you will know you are ready to begin. Of course you need to be sensitive to any stressors, big changes (like a new sibling, etc.) that might be coming up for your child. I recommend getting a potty training book to read to your child. My little guys had this one (It’s Potty Time) and my youngest carried it around for over a month before we started potty training.
First choose a nice long weekend or take off a day of work to make sure you have at least 3 full days to potty train. I was lucky to have several days off for Spring Break, so this was perfect. Do not plan to leave the house for at least 3 days. With all of my boys we were ready to take short trips out of the house by day 2, but you may very well need all three days.
Next, set up the party! I usually blow up some balloons, decorate a little, and get something special for breakfast. This time we went with a chocolate sprinkle donut! As soon as your child is up for the day, put them in underwear and say good-bye forever to diapers. Remember, whatever happens, DO NOT put a diaper back on them. It will be tough at some points, like really tough, but do not give in. I promise you will be happy you stuck to it. This goes for nap and night time as well. I put a towel down under the bed sheet just in case there are any accidents. I feel it is important to make sure they have transitioned to a “big kid” bed as well. If they are not able to get out of their crib, they don’t have the option of going potty on their own, so the risk of an accident is higher.
Our potty party area includes lots of toys, balloons, the potty, and of course an adorable potty trainee.
The key to this method is to create an area that is fun and easy to contain your child for a few days. I just spread out blankets and towels in the living room and place fun toys like blocks, race tracks, and books to keep us busy. The potty sits on a towel right there with us! It is important to give your child snacks (salty is best) so they will keep drinking often. Ideally, you want to have them sit on the potty every 15-30 minutes. My little guy was really good at holding it, so he occasionally went 45 minutes in between, but we just kept trying. You should start noticing the signs that they need to potty. Grabbing themselves, pulling at their underwear, even funny facial expressions are clues. As the day goes on, they should become more aware of the sensation of needing to use the toilet…with your prompting of course.
All of my kids have liked using a sticker chart to celebrate their success. With my older two I made a cute potty chart with their name and decorated it. This time (because three kids) I just wrote his name on a piece of paper and picked up some fun stickers at the dollar store. He absolutely loved picking out the sticker and placing it on the paper. We are on Day 7 now, and he still occasionally asks for a sticker. My husband also picked up some M&M minis candy and we gave those as some extra motivation. No need to use candy or food as a reward, but hey whatever works!
Pick out some fun stickers for motivation!
You have to be able to give them your undivided attention. This is the hardest, yet most rewarding part of the process. I was brought to tears several times this week, as we had so much precious one-on-one time. This is rare with three kiddos, and a full-time job, so it was really special. The one-on-one time is why potty training is actually one of my favorite milestones with my kids.
Be prepared for accidents. I had to remind myself of that even this third go-round. I was starting to get frustrated and stressed out after a few accidents. But this is part of the process! I think on Day One we had three accidents, which was pretty successful. Don’t worry if you have more than that, just keep going.
Day Two- the hardest day. You wake up hoping that they will just take to it again, but often this is the day of “I can’t” or “No, Mommy!” My son was just not having it on the morning of day two. I realize that he was wanting to stand up to pee, and so we transitioned to the big toilet. He was a little scared to pee and verbalized that he did not want to. I thought of putting Cheerios in the toilet to make a game out of it, but we were out. I sent my nine-year-old in to find something and he came back and tossed a Goldfish cracker in the toilet. My two-year-old laughed hysterically, said “I can pee on that fish,” and just like that he took care of business. I can’t believe it, but we continued to toss in Goldfish for the next two days, and he promptly peed (or pooped) on the fish. Genius! Be open to what might motivate your child, no matter how silly!
It is important to really pay attention to the amount of liquids your child it taking in during the process. We cut off drinks about 45 minutes before nap and bedtime to avoid accidents. My son sleeps anywhere from 10-12 hours without an accidents, so don’t be scared of nighttime. Even if your child has an accident, you don’t need pull-ups or nighttime diapers. Think about how confusing this would be for your child. It’s okay to pee your pants at night, but not during the day? Such a mixed message for a little person.
By Day Three you’ll be ready to venture out of the house for sure. Take walks, go to the park, or take a quick trip to another favorite place. It is intimidating to think of putting a child in the carseat with no diaper, and you have to plan ahead to stay close to a toilet. My son did have an accident at the park because we didn’t make it to the restroom in time. This will happen. Just be sure to have extra clothes and to keep your cool. It isn’t the end of the world if they pee their pants in the check-out line of the store, or as you run for the potty somewhere…I’ve experienced both and besides being a little embarrassed, no harm done.
If you follow the plan and truly put your best effort into the 3 days, you will have a potty trained child at the end of the process. If you have to leave your child to work, etc. just make sure you have carefully explained your process and expectations for your child to their daycare provider. You don’t want them to put a diaper on them or cause you any other setbacks.
Just think how freeing it will feel to be completely diaper free in 3 days! Your wallet will certainly thank you when you aren’t spending money on diapers anymore. You will feel accomplished and your child will be proud of their new “big kid” status.
It was hard to put my whole plan into words, so please message me with questions or comments. I am happy to explain in more detail! Now get busy planning your potty party! You’ve got this!
I am so excited to welcome you to This Beautiful Mom Life! I have been tossing around the idea of starting an “official” blog for a while, and with the encouragement of many friends and family members I have decided to go for it.
I hope this will be a page that encourages women to support one another as we navigate the good, the bad, and the beautiful aspects of Mom Life. In my experience, parenting is often exciting, scary, exhausting, messy, and pretty awesome all at the same time. The journey is a little bit easier when you surround yourself with a group supportive people who just “get it.”
Thank you so much for joining me on this new adventure!
