It has been seven years since I held them in my arms and said goodbye. The pain still stings like it did that day, but our lives have continued with their memory always in our hearts. Losing our triplets fundamentally changed who I am. They taught me more in their short lives than I would have learned in a lifetime without them. I live my life trying to honor their memory by being the kind of Mom and person that they would be proud of.
I originally posted this on my family blog website on August 8, 2010.
I absolutely cannot believe I am writing about another loss. I am so hurt, confused, and devastated. Our third and fourth born sons were born on August 5th, 2010. Jaxsen Troby at around 7ish and Asher Jo somewhere around 8-8:30.
I woke up August 4th at 5 am with cramping. Throughout the day I called the Dr. and nurses several times as my contractions became closer together, about 3 minutes apart most of the day. Of course with the “nothing we can do” thing, they told me drink lots of water, absolutely flat with feet up, take tylenol to sleep. I told myself all day that the worst was not happening. At 1:30 in the morning I accepted that it was.
Mike drove me to the hospital, both of us begging God for it to be something else. We waited in the ER room for pain medicine for over an hour and then I proceeded to lay there waiting for almost three hours to be moved to OB. My contractions were less than a minute apart for over two hours. The worst pain I have ever experienced in my life. My cervix had been sewn shut and was literally ripping open with the babies trying to come out. I have no idea why they did not get me to an OR sooner to remove the stitches in the cervix. Finally we got upstairs to OB and the Dr. on call realized I was in unbearable pain and decided to take me to an OR to take out the stitches.
About that time Jaxsen decided he couldn’t wait and he was born, nothing could stop him not even “unbreakable” stitches. I was in and out of awareness for a while but still in extreme pain. I was moved to the OR and our Dr. came in to do the surgery. The last thing I heard was, because the cervix ripped we may have to do a complete hysterectomy. Terrifying. I woke up not knowing what the outcome had been. Thank God they were able to deliver Asher and get everything out and save my fertility for now. I had gotten a major uterine infection, the worst that we had prayed would not happen. The babies had to come out. I tried SO HARD for my babies. I have no idea why we were blessed with these three miracles just to have it all taken away. My heart is broken.
We were able to spend about an hour holding the babies after I recovered from surgery.
Jaxsen was beautiful, he looked a lot like Johnny. He was 5 oz. and 6 3/4 inches long. He had a perfect little face and adorable feet that looked like his Daddy’s. He reminded me a lot of Josey too. His middle name is Troby to honor my Dad and our family name. There is nothing more important than my family to me. The hospital put them in little outfits and they were just precious wrapped in their little blankets. I will miss Jaxsen forever and a part of us will always be missing. We will cherish him in our hearts.
Asher was also amazingly beautiful. He had different features than our other boys. A slighly turned up nose (so cute), and long feet like his PawPaw. He was 4 oz and 6 1/4 inches long. We had just come across the name Asher and it means happy and blessed, so I knew it was perfect. His middle name is Jo because it is mike’s mom and my sister Laura’s middle name. The two people who we felt like we couldn’t have made it through this without. Of course all of our family and friends have been amazing too. Asher will forever be loved an missed. Our fourth born son will always be in our hearts.
The hospital took pictures of the babies in their outfits and gave us memory boxes for the babies. They had the pictures inside along with the outfits, blankets, teddy bears they had put in their arms, and baby name bracelets. They were so kind and made one for Johnny although we do not have pictures or an outfit that he wore. Not sure why they didn’t do that when he was born. We will cherish the boxes forever. When I look at them I feel like I am still holding the boys in my arms, and my body aches for them.
I am writing this still in the hospital. We are hoping the infection is gone and we will go home today or tomorrow, so far we’ve been here 4 days this time. I don’t know why my two little boys held on for 16 more days than Johnny, but I will forever cherish that time with them. I don’t know how I will go home, except for the fact that I have a sweet little boy waiting for his Mommy to come back. One day I will tell him about his three little brothers and how hard they fought to be with him. Mommy and Daddy love our little guys so much.